


Hunger

by siruru



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, F/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Reader-Insert, Rejection, Social Anxiety, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 19:24:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14600031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siruru/pseuds/siruru
Summary: Being at a wedding should be a happy occasion, but not if you're constantly reminded about why your soulmate doesn't love you back.





	Hunger

**Author's Note:**

> this is what i get for listening to florence and the machine, so i suggest listening to "hunger" while reading this.

_ “I don’t wanna be with you,” his words sting and your heart stutters shut,”I don’t need this.” _

_ Bucky expects you to scream at him, but maybe he doesn’t know you that well and he just lost his chance. Because all you do is take let a shuddering breathe and remain silent, it was the best way you could handle anger, before dropping your hand and hiding the marking once more. _

_ “I don’t hate you, James,” you murmur softly, like you trying to placate a small child, because you know what he is trying to do. It had taken a long time, but you can read certain parts of him easily especially his self-loathing, “But, you deserve the world, even if it isn’t with me.” _

**_J.B.B_ **

**_J.B.B_ **

He had only seen the marking once, over a year ago, but he always wondered if it burned when he was looking at you, like the old wives’ tales he used to hear of back in the 40’s -- ones he tried his hardest to not believe due to the lack of initials on his own left wrist. However, you don’t seem to notice him, as you keep dancing with Sam in a pink dress and golden jewelry that were covering your right wrist, a huge smile on your face -- of course who would be sad in a wedding? Well, James Buchanan Barnes could be, as you turned around to start dancing some soft rock ballad with Tony, your former boss and the groom of the wedding. It wasn’t often the Avengers could have a respite, and everyone --well mostly everyone-- was taking advantage of it.

“Maybe, you should try talking to her,” Bucky doesn’t need to turn around to know who is reprimanding him, Steve had being doing so since the very beginning, “I’m sure she’s never hated you, Buck.”

“It’s not that,” he insists because by now he was learned that you aren’t one for hatred, but for self-deprecation and avoidance. He hadn’t gotten more than a few words with you since the incident, “It’s never been that.”

"You’ve been trying to protect her, huh?” Steve takes the words right out of his mouth, because all this avoidance and dancing around the issue of being with the one that was supposed to be only for him is really his form of protecting you -- from HYDRA, from the new enemies that came with being an Avenger, but most of all himself because he couldn’t be that charming young man that had secretly longed for his perfect soulmate and a white-picket fence. He didn’t deserve any of that.

“Yeah, Stevie,” Bucky draws out before taking another swing of whiskey, wishing he could get drunk as he watches an unknown dark-haired man move in and try to dance with you. You’re flushed and all smiles as you accept, and Bucky barely takes notice of the cracking noise the glass begins to make.

“Well, you’re kind of messing up,” his best friend remarks like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but all he can really do is shake his head. Bucky doesn’t find it in himself to answer, instead just letting out a small hum of acknowledgment because there must be something wrong in Stevie’s head if he thinks one magical night will suddenly change all the damage he had caused in the year since that revelation, since he learned he was actually lucky enough, by some strange fate, to be bestowed with such a wonderful woman as a soulmate.  

“Ya know, your soulmate isn’t supposed be the one that hurts you the most,” Steve murmured softly, like he’s talking from experience before leaving his oldest friend to go back to meet his own date.  

“No good punk.”

* * *

_ It’s one of those rare events that Pepper Potts and Stark Industries has set up for the Avengers to visit a local hospital in the center of the city. Hang out, take some pictures and everything should be fine except everything isn’t “fine” for Bucky as some parents seems apprehensive to let their children near him and the the loud noises are starting to be a bit to much for him. He takes an unsteady breath and starts to feel a comforting sensation blooming underneath his rib cage. He opens his eyes to see you staring at him with that look asking  _ **_are you okay?_ **

_ Bucky can’t help but nod as you return the gesture, but what takes him off guard for the moment is you walking closer to him. His heart starts beating a little faster because you haven’t talked since the incident and of course you wouldn’t do it here cause you’re a damn professional -- he had seen that in the time he has known you. There are a million thoughts running through his head, but they all stop when you smile politely and place a small, dark-haired boy in front of him.     _

_ "Okay, sweetheart,” you crouch down to the boy’s height as his bright eyes look at the former Winter Soldier, “We’re here, wanna tell Mr. Barnes what you told me?” _

_ “You’re my favorite Avenger!” the child yells out and it takes a moment for Bucky to realize what he just said, “And your arm is so cool, especially since…” _

_ "You can do it,” you hum out softly and touch the small child’s head to console him a little. Blue eyes look at you in amazement and back to the little boy as he rolls up his long sleeve shirt to show a prosthetic running from just below his elbow. _

_ "You’re just like me,” the child grins and Bucky is stunned into silence before he keeps talking to the kid the introduces himself as Jason. More children come along and Bucky finds it a little hard to keep up with all of them, as they pull him away towards the activities he can’t help but look in your direction, as you were a proud smile that makes your eyes crinkle a bit more the usual before a woman comes up to thank you.    _

* * *

It’s another hour of watching you make rounds greeting certain people throughout the room that you finally decide to take your seat not to far away from the center table. There’s a tight feeling in his chest as he watches you take deep and steady gulps of air, as your hands tighten into fists for a moment. He remembers once how at awe he was with the woman that could be considered the now Mrs. Stark’s right-hand woman. However, he knew better than that now, Bucky knew that there were things that kept you up at night and work straight through morning. You feared never being perfect enough, and it had taken you a long time to accept this current version of yourself.

_ “I used to starve myself all the time when I was younger,” he remembered overhearing you talking with Wanda once, your voice cracked and raw from a recent breakdown, because even if he didn’t have your initials on his skin, the pain glowed brightly within his chest, “I wanted to be perfect when I found him. I took me so long to realize that it didn’t matter...that he would love me no matter what, but it still didn’t change anything in the end...I’m always alone.” _

It had been only then that Bucky saw a change in your personality because while you were still soft and polite, there weren’t any longing glances at his direction anymore. You didn’t talk to him any longer than necessary and usually it was only with someone else was in the room. You acknowledge him, but Bucky grew painful aware of the fact that you didn’t need him to live your life. It hurt him so much, but watching you from afar talking about all the places you have gone to and the people you had met, Bucky couldn’t help but feel proud for you.

He watches you stand up and grab another champagne flute from one of the many waiters, as you turn and smile at Steve and his date. However, all your attention turns to Tony as he stands in front of everyone with Pepper besides him, and in all honest it’s probably the happiest you has seen both of them in all of your years of personally working and knowing them. It made you happy that through all their trials and tribulations, they had never given up...that they always gave each other a chance. 

You chug down the champagne as Tony begins to speak. However, you’re not really paying attention until he gets to the middle of it.  

“... _ We all have a hunger _ , a deep longing that we call _ loneliness  _ and a lot people try different ways to fill it up -- drugs,drinking,women, power. You name it and I’ve probably tried it,” Tony laughs as the room stays silent, “But filling up that hole isn’t a temporary thing, it’s about constantly loving someone and working to be worthy in their eyes, but also being there when they need you. It’s taken me a long time to learn this, but I couldn’t ask for a more wonderful woman at my side.” 

Tony turns to look at Pepper who is rubbing away the tears in the corners of her eyes before its gets any worse. Blue eyes glance around for a moment to see you standing near the garden’s entrance way, clapping slowly at Tony’s speech. He can almost see a glimmer of ache in your eyes before they turn to steel once more. You begin to head out as the festivities start again, and something in Bucky’s mind clicks.

Maybe, you were getting tired of being strong all the damn time too? You both struggled with a lot, but wouldn't it be better to be together than hurting each other all the time, even if it was inadvertently. It had to be one of the reasons soulmates were created in the first place, right?  Bucky curses his own stupidity and that Tony Stark made him realized all that, though he would personally take that little piece of information to his grave. 

* * *

_ It’s Friday night and instead of going out without your friends, like you had promised, you were catching up on paperwork two weeks ahead of time in the Avengers’ kitchen, though only Steve probably knew why you had stayed -- Bucky had come back from a mission and he wasn’t looking so good. The burning feeling of your mark only confirmed your theory. It took all your paperwork for the week and two episodes of your favorite mini-series for the clock to hit 2 am and the screams began like clockwork. There was a deep ache in your chest at the sound and as much a you wanted to run to his room, you knew it wasn’t necessary -- you weren’t necessary. _

_ You see Steve leave his room from the vantage point that you from the kitchen and begin to set up within the time limit that the two of them stay within Bucky’s room before they leave to take his mind off of something else. You set the electric tea kettle and get his favorite flavor and mug, alongside some sugar and honey since Bucky likes to alternate between what he likes to use.  _

_ A chill grips your heart for a moment and you know you are running out of time, you place a spoon down and quickly grab your things before running back to your office. _

_ “Come on, Buck,” Steve motions his shaken friend into the kitchen. The blond sees the set is already prepared and he can’t help but smile for a moment as his oldest friend lets out a whimper at the sound of soft footsteps leading you away from him. _

* * *

Bucky walks outside the lavish country mansion to see you sitting in one of its many gazebos overlooking a pond. The summer air is cool and breezy and the stars are shining brightly, but a suffocating feeling that he hasn’t felt in a long time begins to make his ribs constrict in pain. He had only felt this pain once before and that was slightly more than a year ago. He sees that your shoulders are hunched towards your body and wonders if you have been crying. He takes a seat as you turn around to look at him with a defeated look on your face.   

“What do you want?” is the only thing you manage to get out, as you rub your hands across your eyes to stop the few stray tears from ruining your makeup.

“I wanted to talk,” Bucky wrings his hands together in momentary anxiety but takes your silence as a signal to continue, “I know it’s been a long time, but I still feel like I need to explain why I did what I did a year ago, and maybe even make amends.”

You stay quiet and keep watching him with those pretty eyes of yours and then he starts talking.

“I just want you to know that I’ve been waiting decades for you, sweetheart,” there’s a desperation in his voice that matches the look you’re giving him and he can’t help but get a little choked up at the thought that you really were made just for him, “If it had been 70 years ago, I would have given you everything I could, but I’m not that boy anymore. I’m dangerous and there are people after me  _ all the time _ .  **It would kill me if something happened to you** .”        

“So you’re trying to  _ protect _ me?” you scoff at the notion, as Bucky frowns “As much as I appreciate the thought, Barnes. I’ve worked with Tony  _ fucking _ Stark since before I met you, since the Vanko incident and I’ve been through a whole lot more. So, don’t make up excuses about  _ protecting me  _ when you’re just trying to hide to save yourself.”

“What do ya mean?” he asks even though he already knows the answers.  

“I feel your emotions half the time, ya know?” you explain hotly, as he rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, “That you’re not good enough, that you don’t deserve any of the good things that might come your way.”  

“I--” he starts speaking, but you cut him off.

“I wasn’t lying when I said you deserve the world,” you whisper softly, and Bucky knows that you have always meant it, but you aren’t going to be so lenient with him either.

“I used to do a lot of things in order to stave off my loneliness, James. I’ve been alone for a long time and I’ve gotten used to it, so don’t come asking to be part of my life only to walk away when it feels convenient for you.  _ Do you understand me? _ ”

“I know… and I’m so sorry,” he scoots closers until you are sitting on a hair’s breadth from each other. There is a tired look in your eyes, as you push a strand of hair behind your ear and Bucky’s right hand twitches because he wishes he could be doing that, and a lot more, at the moment instead.   

“I never needed you to be sorry,” you declared and his eyes go from staring at you to staring at the floor because he knew you didn’t need him at end of the day (who did?), but your next words stop him, “ **Just be there** .”

“W-hat?” is all he can say because he was surely expecting another type of reaction from you.

“I don’t care about the Winter Soldier. I don’t wanna know about the war hero, James Buchanan Barnes,” you pause, grabbing his scruff and pulling him dangerously close to you,”They’re all apart of you,  _ yes _ but I wanna know about the Bucky here and now.  _ Just be my Bucky _ .”

“I wanna try. I swear,” he presses his forehead and you can’t help out but let out a tiny sob at his declaration.  

“Slow and steady, then?” your eyes flutter to meet his bright and hopeful blue ones. 

“Slow and steady, doll,” he smiles, eyes twinkling as he places his hands on your hips. The two of you get up slowly, not wanting to part, and sway slightly for a moment, Bucky looks up above at the night sky and tries to imprint the moment in his mind -- the one that he has waited so long for. That is until your sudden laugh catches his attention.

“I fucking hate you, old man,” you hit his right shoulder affectionately, as you keep staring at him with those expressive eyes that show him nothing but love and adoration “Making me wait so long.”

“Technically, I’ve waited longer,” he remarks shyly, as your eyes grow over suddenly remembering such a fact.

“Well, shit. You’re right,” you keep laughing as Bucky spins you around, the lights are spinning as you get slightly dizzy from all emotions running through your body, but all that seems to stop when he places a soft kiss on your lips.

“And I’m done waiting, doll.”

“Good, good. Me too, ya big idiot.”

**Author's Note:**

> catch me on the flip side: [writing tumblr](http://the-canary.tumblr.com/)


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